Take it or leave it.

Saturday, March 25, 2017


I know why most marriages fail. You may think you do too, and then proceed to site the two common grounds for divorce that everybody knows. I mean infidelity and spousal abuse. And while moral turpitude can threaten even the most ironclad of relationships, there is one thing even more likely than giving your wife a black eye or banging the babysitter to end your plans for happily ever after. It's leaving shit stains in the toilet. 

I remember this one time when a friend of mine, Caroline, who was recently separated, told me by way of self-consolation: "One thing good came out of the break-up: no more skid marks." Having visited quite a few dating sites in my time, I can't tell you how often girls list the following as an absolute requirement in the ideal mate: "must have toilet brush THAT YOU ACTUALLY USE."

Why should leaving fecal matter affixed to the bottom of the toilet bowl be such a non-negotiable? Isn't in the toilet where shit belongs? After all, it's not like anybody is going to come around and mistake the bathroom porcelain for a dinner plate. So why the big to-do? I'll tell you. Leaving shit stains is a tell-tale sign that you're an inconsiderate lover. You just don't care. The fella (I say fella 'cause girls are rarely guilty of this transgression) that is liable to leave skid marks in the toilet belongs to a personality class as deplorable as it is distinct. This fella is also the type to fart or belch in front of his sweetheart. He chews with his mouth open and talks with his mouth full. He routinely leaves the bed unmade and his dirty dishes unwashed and lying in the sink. He doesn't floss regularly, or for that matter brush his teeth. He makes inconsistent use of deodorant. He likely has some combination of back or neck or ear or nose hair, and dandruff. He sports unreasonably long toenails. And this guy is certainly the sort to leave shit stains not only in the toilet but also on his underpants. Gross! In short, this man is impossible to abide with in intimate association. 

And if you are this man, I don't care how much money you make, what car you drive, how big your pecker is, or how giving a lover you are (and such a man is without a doubt a selfish person anyway), it will only be a matter of time before your wife is the one to hump the babysitter and abuse you. Then the marriage will really be over. And you'll deserve it!

So clean the toilet after every shit. And before you flush, take a look at what lies therein. Because really, monitoring skid marks offers a host of benefits over and above merely maintaining a harmonious home front. Inspecting your feces is a good habit to have, as your stool says a lot about you. I can't remember ever going to the bathroom until I hit 25. Either I went very infrequently or my bathroom habits weren't high on my list of interests. But now I inspect every poop for size, shape and hue too. And yes, I note whether after flushing there is any residue. If so, it may simply mean I need to curtail my fat intake. In other words to stop eating five avocados in one day, as I did today. They were small ones, though.

Some pointers. I prefer to spray the toilet bowl with a disinfectant prior to brushing, preferably one that contains bleach. Because scrubbing with the brush alone and then letting it sit in its holder seems unhygienic. The smell of bleach will also take care of any unpleasant aroma. Or you can just give up animal products. I know that some Carolines like to think their shit don't stank; but trust me when I say that if you give up eggs and chicken and the like your farts won't either. The guy who wrote those lines is a vegan, by the way.

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