Skip to main content


We all have things we're not saying to the ones we love. But taking the plunge to disclose can be emotionally safer and more productive than you may imagine, is the gist of a feature article in this month's (October) Psychology Today.

This is not to say that every little thing needs to be discussed with your partner, and topic avoidance can be a form of compromise which features in the healthiest of relationships. Although the reason an issue is avoided may be more important than the issue itself, so what you choose to say and not to say reveals a lot about you and your significant other. Elements of the so-called power chat include clarifying internally why you're disclosing something before opening your mouth. Speaking for the good of the relationship can be preferable to just venting for yourself. And be aware that you always have the right to speak up. If you don't, you may not be as close as you think. And approaching topics with mild humor can bring a sense of balance and perspective to a situation and allow for easier venting of emotions, so always see the bright side. Conversations are a tangled knot of messages, spoken and unspoken, but disclosing and avoiding need not be all or nothing. If you come from love, and from the security that you are deeply deeply loved, it gives you the freedom to speak your mind and treating your lover as you'd like to be treated ensures you'll both get what you came for, which is a chance to play the game of love together.

Remember, always be explicit and say exactly what you mean. I've heard it said that you should speak to your loved ones as though they were 6-year-old children and you needed to explain everything clearly, in no uncertain terms. I think it's better to speak as though you were a 6-year-old. Listen to a child communicate and you will notice that she says exactly what is on her mind, without irony, hyperbole, or prevarication. It is wise to do the same. Children are adults in little bodies, and many grown-ups are emotional infants. Of course kids can be cruel in their honesty, so a little finessing the situation, or polishing your remarks can be useful when addressing a friend who is particularly sensitive, though you both will get more from speaking the clear and true. Don't assume that your special someone always knows how you feel. Like the song says, "Tell her (or him) about it!"


Popular posts from this blog


I was watching the TV show Naked and Afraid last night as I sometimes do. The show teams together two strangers, a man and a woman, who attempt to survive on their own for a period of 21 days in some remote and isolated region. Some of the locales featured include the Australian Outback, the Amazonian rainforest and the African Savanna. The man may have a military background, or be an adventurist or deep sea fisherman. Sometimes he's an ordinary dude who lives with mom. The woman is a park ranger or extreme fitness enthusiast or "just a mom" herself. Sometimes the couple quarrel, sometimes one or both "tap out" (quit) in a fit of anger or illness. It is satisfying to see them actually make it through the challenge and reach their extraction point. The victors are usually exhausted, emaciated, begrimed and bare ass naked. 

Even more satisfying, at least for me, is the occasional ass shot, snuck in at strategic intervals to boost viewership, of course. It's co…


There is no such thing as screw-ups.

Case in point. My excellent friend Deej comes over to help me beautify the garden. He immediately dives in, crouching down on his knees and weed whacking with his bare hands. Before I can say yay or nay, he proceeds to remove a huge clump of daisy greens from the oblong patch of Earth adjacent to the driveway. The area instantly looks bare. Like the back of Woody Allen's head. Smoothing out the soil and shaking his head Deej mutters to himself "I fucked it up!" over and over again. We try everything. Planting succulents in the daisy's place. Covering it with rocks. But still the area looks barren. And every time you water it the water trickles down onto the sidewalk in the absence of roots to hold it in place. It's getting dark so we go back inside. The next day I return to the spot with a clear perspective and remove all the other daisies, leaving only rose bushes and the succulents that DJ planted, and depositing 10 bags of m…


This is not a commentary on the latest fitness fad. Because if it were, the little I'd have to say on the subject would be largely derogatory. I simply cannot see see how crouching in a stuffy, dark, cramped room surrounded by sweat-drenched strangers while expending a lot of energy and going nowhere deserves to be called fun, though aficionados tell me it is (fun). I tell these aficionados that if no pain no gain is your thing, discomfort can be had for a lot cheaper than $50 an hour. Try plucking your nose hairs. What we don't do for the sake of beauty. This endurance heir to the Stairmaster and elliptical is all hype. There's a name for the type who likes to run (or otherwise move) in place. It's called a hamster. 

This reminds me of a joke my father likes to tell, about what living with a woman turns a guy into. You go from a wolf to a sheep to a hamster. After nearly 40 years of married life, my dad has added cockroach to the zoological lineage. Which I'm sure …