### ALL THE MATH YOU'LL EVER NEED

Much stink has been made about Albert Einstein's celebrated equation, E equals MC squared. An entire theory was built upon it, and also a few atom bombs. Indeed special relativity proves that mass and energy are the same and interchangeable. Who knew? The owner of the fancy microscope knows, under which you can view the constituents of solid particles behaving as anything but.

But to really understand the brain-bending equation you need at least some basic knowledge of physics, and I have none. Instead of taking science my Senior year of high school I enrolled in Studio Art, because that's where the chicks were. I got really good at stenciling self-portraits. Nothing came of this skill. I'm sure there exist pretty physicists too, and I'd really like to meet one, because scientists are sexy, if you go for book worms. But you are likely not a scientist, since scientists only read research material. So for all the non-science persons, I offer you another basic equation. My equation requires no knowledge of thermodynamics and only simple math. My equation is all about common sense, which unlike scientific know-how, we're all born with.

So without further ado, let me introduce my formula to you. It is, simply, C + T = D. Or CTD for short.

The American writer Mark Twain, who bears a striking similarity to the German scientist - possibly because they both lived in the 19th century, when big hair and even bigger mustaches were in -  traces the origin of his literary career to an attack of measles when he was twelve. The disease almost killed him. This led his mother to pull him out of school and apprentice him to the local printer, which exposed Twain to fine literature, and from then to trips abroad, and to lectures, and finally a contract to write his book Innocents Abroad, which paved the way for world-wide fame.

Twain describes in an autobiographical essay that circumstances (C) conspired with his temperament (T) to produce his destiny (D). Though he didn't give this formula. The formula is mine, so don't you try to steal it. Without the apprenticeship he'd never have acquired the requisite writing skill, but without his particular personality as an upstart wishing to make it in the world at all costs, he'd never have taken advantage of the opportunity that circumstances presented.

And so it is with life. Put two different people in the same situations, and the outcome will differ as markedly as do their basic natures. Put two similar personalities in vastly different circumstances and you will also get very different results. Witness twins separated at birth who grow up to practice different occupations, like our scientist and satirist from above. Or they each open up their own fitness gym, proving that temperament may be a greater determiner of your destiny than circumstance, although both definitely play central parts.

So how to change your life? You can't change your temperament, which you're born with and stuck with at least till you die. I say at least because spiritualists believe that the soul's basic nature never changes, while other specialists opine that temperament is what results when a particular soul unites with a particular body. But that's speculation, and for the moment we are concerned with the practical application of my theory, which can improve your own life immensely.

See, knowing who you are at heart can help you to gain greater acceptance of yourself. And to choose circumstances that bring out the strengths in your character and also develop weaknesses. This should ideally start in early childhood. For starters, determine your temperament. There are many personality tests. I follow the KISS rule and lean to those tests with the fewest options which can be filled out in the minimum amount of time, and are also free. This is not Myers-Briggs, which eats up 15 minutes and thrice as many dollars. I like the temperaments developed in ancient Greece. These are sanguine, choleric, melancholic and phlegmatic. This theory guided medical treatment for over 2,000 years, and did not result in one single explosion, while Einstein's brainchild is only a century old and almost led to world destruction. Read a bit about the temperaments and take your test here and here. It's not an exact science, so you stand forewarned.

Once you know your temperament, you can go about selecting experiences most suited to your individual type. Ideally this should begin in childhood. For me it began today, and I'm almost at the half-century mark, so it's never too late. The sanguine child should be exposed to an elder whom he greatly admires, a choleric to someone whose competence he trusts, the melancholic to an adult who has suffered greatly in life, and the phlegmatic to a lot of other children, for the phlegmatic has few innate interests but develops those whose light he sees reflected in the minds and joys of his peers.

If you did not have such conscientious parents well-versed in the ancient humours, or as modern society might call them, hippies hoodwinked by pseudo-science, and although role models have gone the way of the rotary phone, you can nevertheless act as your own elder and place yourself in circumstances that bode well for your future by emboldening who you are today.

To illustrate. The sanguine temperament has a short attention span. So he is best served by the multi-tasking approach that allows him to work simultaneously on a variety of things. I have sanguine leanings, and I find this strategy to be eminently suitable for me. For example, I like to lift weights, but to do nothing but hoist iron for 30 minutes is boring to me. So I often occupy myself with household chores in between sets. I'll steam broccoli, or empty the trash, or even cut my hair. This "killing two birds" (or three or four) approach fulfills my multiple personalities and saves time, while also allowing me to catch my breath.

The choleric temperament, who can be irascible, should consciously place himself in situations where if he lost his temper he would look utterly ridiculous. Let's say you hate being in the sun. You attend an outdoor party. There are seats available both in the shade and in the sunlight. It is uncomfortably warm and your friends are gravitating to the covered areas. Choosing the hot seat, so to speak, allows you to test and titillate your temper, and to laugh at yourself when you find you're on the verge of boiling over (in more ways than one). Such a seating arrangement also allows you to be a gracious guest by putting the preferences of others before your own, since it's not fun to sweat. But it can be funny. A sense of humor is life's greatest asset, especially when directed at oneself. Let me hear you sing it now, "Let's trip in the sun...."

Melancholics, who are often caught up in their own anguish (both mental and physical), should place themselves in care-giving careers, at least as volunteers. In so doing they distract themselves from their own bodily ailments while redirecting their concern in the form of compassion for the sufferings of the unfortunate.

The phlegmatic temperament, who is passive and lacking diverse interests, should seek out as many boring, tedious tasks as possible. This approach, which shrinks call "flooding," allows this personality once and for all to be thoroughly and completely bored out of his mind. In such a way we are cured of our ennui and can finally know what to do with our lives, anything but such boredom! This is probably why I, who possess many phlegmatic traits, make myself run so many miles in the same goddamn neighborhood and gather so many leaves in the garden. And also do those chores I was talking about. I flood myself with monotony until I can no longer take it and come inside to sit down to write something that provides an escape. I hope you enjoyed the ride. Maybe I will take my theory on the road, because Tony Robbins is getting old. It's either that or hire a gardener.

Until then, remember: C + T = D. To have a happy life, that's all the math you'll ever need. I wonder if I should grow a mustache.

### SOUL CYCLE

This is not a commentary on the latest fitness fad. Because if it were, the little I'd have to say on the subject would be largely derogatory. I simply cannot see see how crouching in a stuffy, dark, cramped room surrounded by sweat-drenched strangers while expending a lot of energy and going nowhere deserves to be called fun, though aficionados tell me it is (fun). I tell these aficionados that if no pain no gain is your thing, discomfort can be had for a lot cheaper than \$50 an hour. Try plucking your nose hairs. What we don't do for the sake of beauty. This endurance heir to the Stairmaster and elliptical is all hype. There's a name for the type who likes to run (or otherwise move) in place. It's called a hamster.

This reminds me of a joke my father likes to tell, about what living with a woman turns a guy into. You go from a wolf to a sheep to a hamster. After nearly 40 years of married life, my dad has added cockroach to the zoological lineage. Which I'm sure …

### EVERYTHING'S INTENTIONAL

There is no such thing as screw-ups.

Case in point. My excellent friend Deej comes over to help me beautify the garden. He immediately dives in, crouching down on his knees and weed whacking with his bare hands. Before I can say yay or nay, he proceeds to remove a huge clump of daisy greens from the oblong patch of Earth adjacent to the driveway. The area instantly looks bare. Like the back of Woody Allen's head. Smoothing out the soil and shaking his head Deej mutters to himself "I fucked it up!" over and over again. We try everything. Planting succulents in the daisy's place. Covering it with rocks. But still the area looks barren. And every time you water it the water trickles down onto the sidewalk in the absence of roots to hold it in place. It's getting dark so we go back inside. The next day I return to the spot with a clear perspective and remove all the other daisies, leaving only rose bushes and the succulents that DJ planted, and depositing 10 bags of m…

### GRAY MATTERS

I was watching the TV show Naked and Afraid last night as I sometimes do. The show teams together two strangers, a man and a woman, who attempt to survive on their own for a period of 21 days in some remote and isolated region. Some of the locales featured include the Australian Outback, the Amazonian rainforest and the African Savanna. The man may have a military background, or be an adventurist or deep sea fisherman. Sometimes he's an ordinary dude who lives with mom. The woman is a park ranger or extreme fitness enthusiast or "just a mom" herself. Sometimes the couple quarrel, sometimes one or both "tap out" (quit) in a fit of anger or illness. It is satisfying to see them actually make it through the challenge and reach their extraction point. The victors are usually exhausted, emaciated, begrimed and bare ass naked.

Even more satisfying, at least for me, is the occasional ass shot, snuck in at strategic intervals to boost viewership, of course. It's co…